Mothers are their children’s safe space

Recently, there have been online debates on how to discipline children. Some say a little spanking is fine to deter aggressive behavior in children—in other words, to tame them when they get rowdy or when they commit mistakes. Some call it tough love, which I do not believe in. Some even quote a Bible verse—Proverbs 13:24—which says, “ Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.”

In Filipino, it says, “Mapagmahal na magulang, anak ay dinidisiplina, anak na di napapalo, hindi mahal ng magulang.”

In Spanish, “El que retiene el castigo, aborrece a su hijo; el que lo ama, a tiempo lo corrige.”

In whatever language, what is being said is not about punishment but about guidance. The rod is the staff used by a shepherd to guide the sheep so that they do not go astray. It is not meant for beating, harming, or hurting the physical body and spirit of a child. Rather, as parents, it is simply one of the tools we use to guide a child toward what is right and conscientious.

How about thinking of the “biblical rod” not as a literal stick but as a figurative one? Maybe it represents words of understanding and wisdom rather than an instrument of punishment.

Nonetheless, many use this verse as an excuse for employing harsh and pernicious forms of punishment—being too rough in dealing with a child’s misdemeanors or trying to temper a child’s fractious personality.

Instead of helping a child understand the reason for the admonition, they instill fear.

There are also parents or authority figures who mistake harshness for gravitas, even scolding their child in public just to show everyone that they are not condoning misbehavior. For me, that’s wrong.

When we were young kids in the ’70s and ’80s, our elders would remind us to behave whenever there were visitors or whenever we went to public places or visited other relatives’ homes. Back then, there was a certain decorum we needed to observe whenever people outside of the core family were around.

Back in the day, at school, we had what we called Good Manners and Right Conduct, and it mattered what grade you had in that area because it usually gave advisers a clue as to which section you would be placed in the following school year. So, those in what was called the first section were labelled the bright and active students. They were obedient, quiet, and studious. Those in the lower sections were labelled average students who could be unruly. Of course, that was an unfair categorization, as it gave young minds the impression that subservience and conformity were the only acceptable deportment or attitude if you wanted recognition, honor, and respect.

Well, I know that children today are cut differently. But what I want to share is that some parents still believe that disciplining children to be subservient and docile is raising them well. It depends on the context, of course.

In situations where young children become cranky or suddenly whine or cry louder when a familiar face or a parent is nearby, or when they tend to act rough and tough around you, it is more than just trying to get attention.

I have witnessed my niblings — my nephews and nieces — becoming fussy or all of a sudden starting squabble whenever I visit their homes. In other words, there will be petty fighting and a lot of shouting at one another.

This must be a familiar situation for you, too. And as a parent, it could be frustrating when your young child suddenly shows an “ugly,” seemingly undisciplined side of themselves to other people, leaving you worried that their behavior would reflect on your parenting.

Especially around their mothers, young children tend to show their raw emotions. I have observed how they raise their voices or suddenly burst into tears at the slightest trigger. In other words, they exaggerate their emotions.

The last thing they need to hear from us, parents and elders, is that they are overacting or O.A.

How about seeing it this way…

WE are their safe space.

They show that side of themselves that seems unbecoming because they feel we will not judge them. They trust that we will see through their emotions and listen to what has not been said verbally.

In my observation, our kids—from age 1 to 92, as the song goes—have trouble articulating what they truly feel or what is on their minds when they are around a parent or an elder, they believe is on their side.

That display of tantrums or sulking is not disrespect but a subtle signal that they need more understanding or acceptance beyond external perception.

Odd as it may seem, children often reserve their most intense emotions for their mothers because they view her as a secure, unconditional safe space where they can release stress without fear of rejection or misjudgment.

Imagine that you are a child’s safe space. Think about that for a moment. The child who was formed in their mother’s womb, safe and warm against the outside chaos of this world, continues to seek that same safe environment.

So, spare the spanking. Spare the lecture. Spare the blaming. Most especially, do not scold or humiliate children in public or in front of other people, even family members. Public scolding often says more about a parent’s hubris than about the child’s behavior. Raise them to understand what dignity means by respecting their dignity and preserving their sense of self-worth. Do not label them as difficult children or cry-babies. Instead, respond with empathy and reassure them that they are being heard.

However, not all mothers are well-equipped to listen and understand, especially those who are fighting internal demons themselves. Based on my personal observations, children of these types of mothers exhibit extreme behaviors—quiet one moment and aggressive the next.

I once met a child who was a victim of molestation by a neighbor and bullying by both the perpetrator and some members of their community. He remained quiet around his family, but community elders saw him as defiant and aggressive. When I visited him, maybe he felt safe enough to talk to me. He blurted out issues that he had never revealed to his family members.

His reactions were rough, and he was almost shouting as he explained his predicament to me. Not taking his rough demeanor personally or as a personal attack, I listened and tried to assure him of help. Almost immediately, the child softened and acted like a child his age again, showing his innocent ways.

As the more mature members of our society, we must protect children, whosever child they may be. Let us try not to judge children based on the demeanor they show us, but instead by their non-verbal cues. Their fussiness could be unexpressed anger, or their defiance could be a response to a right that has been violated. Those shouts could be cries, and those frowns could be tears.

Remember that we are our children’s safe space and let us keep that space as spotless and sacred for them.

Watch on YouTube

Spread the love

Tweet