Giving must come from a place of intentional love – for others and yourself
If you’re like me and find purpose in helping people, then this post is for you. As much as possible, I do my best to live by the teaching from Isaiah 1:17: “Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause.” However, over time, constantly tending to others has started to drain the life out of me. I either absorb their misery or give more of my energy than I should—maybe both.
In 2 Corinthians 9:7, it says, “God loves a cheerful giver.” We can cultivate the freedom to express generosity in ways that preserve our confidence and keep our hearts joyful. Helping others and loving yourself must coexist for true, cheerful giving.
Why and when helping hurts?
Helping crosses the line when it leaves you feeling drained or resentful while making the other person too dependent. Instead of actually supporting them, it can end up holding them back from learning or taking responsibility. Good intentions are great, but if helping starts to feel like a burden, it might be time to step back.
It might be an addiction—and addictions are unhealthy
Yes, there is a phenomenon often referred to as a “helper addiction“ or “pathological altruism“ This happens when a person becomes excessively focused on helping others to the detriment of their own well-being, relationships, or responsibilities. While helping others is generally a positive and admirable trait, when taken to an extreme, it can have negative consequences.
Why this happens
There could be many reasons why someone feels it is their duty to help, even at the expense of their own well-being. Some of these reasons include:
>Psychological factors: A desire for validation, fear of rejection, or a need to feel important.
>Cultural or Familial expectations: Some people are raised to believe that their worth is tied to their ability to serve others.
>Trauma or Guilt: Past experiences might drive a compulsive need to help as a way to cope or compensate.
Know the signs of helper addiction
Spot these signs of overextending your philanthropic or empathetic self and recognize when it’s time to step back.
>Neglecting personal needs: The individual prioritizes others’ needs so much that they ignore their own physical, emotional, or financial well-being.
>Sense of identity: Their self-worth or identity becomes entirely tied to being helpful or needed by others.
>Difficulty saying “No”: They feel compelled to help, even when it is inconvenient, unnecessary, or harmful to themselves.
>Burnout: Chronic stress, fatigue, or resentment can arise from overextending themselves.
>Enabling behavior: They might inadvertently enable others’ harmful behaviors by consistently rescuing them instead of encouraging independence.
How to address helper addiction and be a healthy giver
>Set boundaries: Learn to say no and recognize when helping crosses into self-sacrifice.
>Seek balance: Focus on self-care and maintain a healthy balance between giving and receiving.
>Therapy or Counseling: Professional help can uncover underlying motivations and provide tools to manage compulsive behaviors.
>Reassess motivations: Reflect on whether the help being offered is genuinely for the other person or to meet personal needs.
While helping others is a beautiful virtue, it’s important to ensure that it doesn’t become an unhealthy compulsion. Balancing altruism with self-care allows for more sustainable and meaningful contributions to others’ lives.
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St. Ignatius Prayer for Generosity
Dear Lord, teach me to be generous; teach me to serve you as you deserve, to give and not to count the cost, to fight and not to heed the wounds, to toil and not to seek for rest, to labor and not to ask for reward, save that of knowing that I do your will. Amen.
