Kindness that is Invisible to the Eye

Illusion and embodiment of kindness

We always hear – choose to be kind or choose kindness. But what does it really mean? What If we’ve been getting kindness all wrong?

I came across an article that says:

“The desire to feel special is understandable. The problem is that, by definition, it’s impossible for everyone to be above average at the same time. Although there are some ways in which we excel, there is always someone smarter, prettier, more successful. How do we cope with this?” – Why Self-Compassion Trumps Self-Esteem

As a human being moving within the sphere of evolving technologies, norms, cultures, and other societal changes, I can relate to this. However, if I remove myself from the limitations imposed by others, I find this paragraph problematic (with due respect to the author).

First, it mentions that “it is impossible for everyone to be above average”. The statement has a comparative tone. By whose standards am I categorized as above or below everyone else, prettier or uglier, more successful or a failure?

Given that there is a societal yardstick that measures people by their monetary output and value, their facial and anatomical symmetry, and their subservience to fashion trends, am I to succumb to it? If I did, would I not lose myself, yielding my unique human imprint to a state of homogeneity and the boredom of being similar to others, just to fit into that yardstick?

Is it not that same yardstick that capitalists use to sell me beauty products, health supplements, cosmetic procedures, courses on “articulation” – which, by the way, come with annoying video ads on YouTube – coaching on how to be an influencer or a leader, a coveted spot in a religious organization, membership in a civic, professional or business organization, and, worst of all, a chance at a number on the HR job list?

Back to kindness…

Depending on which article, website or study you read, kindness is categorized into different types, pillars and frameworks.

To give you an example, a practical general framework includes:

Self-kindness: Treating oneself with care, patience and understanding.

Kindness towards others: Helping, comforting, encouraging or supporting another person.

Environmental kindness: Showing compassion towards the natural world and acting in ways that care for it.

Compassionate kindness: Responding to someone’s difficulties with concern and a desire to help.

Constructive kindness: Offering support that helps someone improve, solve a problem or move forward.

Spontaneous kindness: An unplanned act of goodwill, often described as a random act of kindness.

Planned kindness: Deliberately arranging an act of support, generosity or care rather than responding spontaneously.

Many times, kindness is about recognizing the moment when another person simply needs to know that someone sees them.

A sum of its parts

In my opinion, kindness is inherent in every human being and deeply ingrained in our very souls. Babies, still unburdened by society’s expectations, are vessels of this innate human goodness. However, as they grow within a community, their natural inclination towards kindness is shaped, influenced and sometimes adulterated by the community’s culture, traditions, beliefs and expectations.

A child who has yet to learn social expectations, moral rules, religious teachings or the idea of reciprocity may already respond to another person’s distress, show affection, seek connection and display concern. These early expressions of care suggest that the seeds of kindness are part of our human nature, existing before society teaches us how to define, express or measure it.

Perhaps the purity of kindness lies in the absence of ulterior motives – in the simple, uncalculated desire to connect with, care for and respond to another human being.

Taking roots from the self

Kindness towards others takes root when one understands, observes and practices self-kindness. This means, as far as I am concerned, being kind to oneself is not only about recognizing one’s abilities, capabilities and uniqueness without reducing one’s self-worth to societal standards, but also allowing oneself to learn from mistakes and celebrate one’s wins.

Being kind to oneself means nurturing one’s physical, moral, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being. It means consciously avoiding vices and associations that lead to sin and spiritual decay.

It also means tending to one’s own wounds and trauma without resorting to self-destruction. It is about observing the good around us rather than being consumed by the bad. It is therefore about protecting ourselves from the anxiety and helplessness that may arise from exposure to false narratives and distorted values.

Being kind to oneself means offering oneself love, trust and faith that one can surmount all odds. You are, after all, your own ally and cheering squad.

The decision to be kind should not elicit internal struggles, conflicts of values or self-doubt. The parameters of kindness develop as one develops kindness towards oneself.

My belief is that kindness is a composite of three beautiful virtues: altruism, benevolence and compassion.

Altruism

Altruism is concern for the welfare of others, expressed through actions intended to benefit them, even when doing so offers no personal advantage and may involve some sacrifice.

For example: Helping someone without expecting repayment, meaning, your kindness is non-transactional; Giving to someone without needing recognition; Showing compassion to a person from whom you have nothing to gain; Putting another person’s welfare ahead of your own convenience such us giving up your bus seat for elders and vulnerable individuals.

Benevolence

Benevolence is wishing others well and caring about their welfare. It is a sincere disposition to do good and promote another person’s well-being. It involves goodwill, kindness, generosity and a genuine wish that someone else should be helped or treated well.

Benevolence can involve sympathy for someone’s difficulties, generosity towards someone in need, encouragement during a difficult period or respect for another person’s dignity. It can manifest in a charitable gift; an act of assistance or practical support offered without a legal obligation.

The main idea is that a person’s intention is directed towards another person’s good rather than towards causing harm or taking advantage of them.

Benevolence does not require a person to solve every problem or give away everything they possess. A small act can be benevolent if it is motivated by sincere concern for someone’s wellbeing. The act may be ordinary, such as listening patiently, helping with a difficult task or offering needed supplies. What makes it benevolent is the combination of goodwill and an intention to help.

For example, a teacher who notices that a student is struggling and offers patient guidance instead of embarrassing the student. A benevolent teacher supports the student because they want the student to succeed and feel respected.

Compassion

Simply put, compassion is caring about another person’s suffering and wanting to help. It includes the motivation to relieve suffering. A central feature of compassion is the desire to reduce another person’s suffering, rather than merely observing or acknowledging that it exists.

Alleviation (of suffering) can take different forms because suffering itself can take different forms. It may involve emotional comfort, practical support, protection, medical attention or assistance from an appropriate service. There is no single response that is suitable for every situation.

Compassionate concern can also remain present when relief is limited. Some situations cannot be solved immediately, and a person may be unable to remove the cause of another’s suffering. Compassion does not guarantee a successful outcome, but the desire to provide relief remains.

Act of kindness

While some may argue that there is no such thing as purely other-oriented action or kindness, without serving one’s own motives, such as relieving the guilt of not helping or satisfying a religious dogma, I believe that kindness is an act of compassion, love, humility, generosity and justice towards oneself and others.

It is an act performed with the intention of providing comfort and reassuring another person – or oneself, in the case of self-kindness – that they matter in this world, in this life. That they are seen, heard and felt, without prejudice towards who and what they are or have become.

Kindness is an action done without fanfare and while no one is watching. Worse display of “kindness” nowadays is for clout-chasing or monetization. Doing so, it is merely surface-level and performative. Humility keeps kindness in its pristine form.