It’s not wrong to love someone who is already in a committed relationship, but to consummate that love is another story.
Painful Lessons for the Keridas (and Keridos): Homewreckers, kerido or kerida, kabit, kulukadidang, sibaysibay, atsay, itsoy, boytoy, doxy, floozy, mistress, adulterer…etc.
These are labels often associated (with no pun intended) with kept women or men, in other words, the keridos and keridas. However, in our society, it’s common to label the women as concubines or mistresses and not the men who are involved as lovers or concubinus.
Etymology of ‘Kerida (or Kerido)’: Borrowed from the Spanish “querida,” which means a beloved female or a female romantic partner. However, in the Philippines, the colloquial derivative takes on a derogatory meaning, signifying a mistress or a kept woman.
In these situations, the third parties are not only the third wheel; they are the ones under the wheel, especially if one or both parties in an illicit affair are already married or in a committed relationship.
But what if the ‘kerida’ or ‘kerido’ do not know where they should stand? Many times, they assert themselves, causing further friction in the family relationships they are in the middle of?
“Ignorance” of their status is not an excuse
I am not intending to malign the “kabits” (mistresses or other parties in affairs) out there but in defense of the children caught in a relationship with an intruder. And for people who are intending to go into third-party relationships… it is noble to consider the outcome of your actions on the people who will be collateral damage in your decisions, and usually, they are the children. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and each of us has someone out there who will truly love us wholeheartedly.
Do not get involved with people who are already in a relationship, and please do not claim that you didn’t know they were involved. Do your due diligence. Conduct background checks if necessary. Request a Certification of No Marriage (CENOMAR) from the Philippines’ Census Office; consult their friends and be vigilant for red flags. The more you get to know the other person and the more you fall for them, the more you should be cautious and alert! Because most of the time, we allow our love hormones to cloud our judgment.
Infidelity as a form of abuse
Just so you know that there is a recent article on infidelity, titled, ” Marital Infidelity is Psychological Violence Under VAWC (violence against women and children)” that is published in the Philippine Supreme Court website.
This is the summary:
The Supreme Court upheld the conviction of a man under the Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children Act (or Republic Act No. 9262) for cohabiting with another woman and impregnating her while his wife was working abroad. The court found that the man’s actions constituted psychological violence, including marital infidelity, and abandoned his wife and daughter, causing them mental anguish. The Court of Appeals and Regional Trial Court had previously affirmed his conviction. The man’s daughter testified about her emotional distress in court.
Let me repeat that: The man’s daughter testified about her emotional distress in court.
This signifies that even the legal system acknowledges the painful consequences of thoughtless actions like adultery, impacting not only the aggrieved lawful spouse but, more significantly, the children.
And… carrying out this affair with someone who is already married, or in a committed relationship makes you complicit to this “psychological violence”. Let that sink in. Please.
Slandering the memory of a deceased person
Obviously, I have been triggered by this ongoing social media topic about the late musician-actor, Francis Magalona, who has been admired not only for his music but also for his role as the father to his children by his wife, Pia Magalona. I witnessed their public life as husband and wife – theirs was a young love that blossomed into a match made in heaven kind of a relationship, combining romantic love, friendship, and work partnership rolled into one. Francis Magalona, known in the Philippines’ music industry as the “master rapper,” was also a teenage idol in the 80s, being one of the five Bagets cast – the iconic coming-of-age movie for kids like me in that era.
The early passing of Francis Magalona after months of battle with cancer may have been a shock to many of his fans. Yet, he left behind an untarnished memory as a talented musician, an entertainment industry legend, and, most importantly, a loving dad to his beautiful children and husband to his wife.
But when a lady recently surfaced on social media claiming she was a lover of the late actor-musician, even introducing her 15-year-old daughter as their love child, this sent shockwaves, not only challenging one’s views about morality but also tarnishing the memory of the deceased actor-musician.
Can someone be sued for defaming a deceased person? The deceased person may no longer have a reputation similar to a living person that can be defamed, but this is what Article 353 of the Revised Penal Code of the Philippines states:
Definition of libel. — A libel is a public and malicious imputation of a crime, or of a vice or defect, real or imaginary, or any act, omission, condition, status, or circumstance tending to cause the dishonor, discredit, or contempt of a natural or juridical person, or to blacken the memory of one who is dead.
True love transcends this life. If someone truly loves a person, they will, with all their courage, preserve the dignity of their departed loved ones by not casting them in a negative light. As his famous line goes, “Walang basagan ng trip“!
Children as collateral damage
Do you realize that even if children forgive their parent’s illicit lover, one thing will linger in their minds: at some point in their lives, there were two individuals—the unfaithful parent and their lover—who crossed the boundaries of decency and disrespected the existence, emotions, and family values of the children.
How can you expect the children to forgive you when they are consistently reminded that you, as an outsider, disrespected their aggrieved mother or father’s existence?
I know it so well because that is how I felt when a parent decided to carry out an affair.
So, when love born out of infidelity comes your way, you have the choice not to reciprocate. A thoughtful decision often comes down to asking yourself: What if I were the wife (or husband), putting myself in his/her position? What if my children were in their children’s shoes? How would that affect them?
20 simple questions to ponder about
Usually, the question of the concubine or concubinus is ” Does my lover love me?
Let me ask you questions based on my own experience with some kin and friends who have been involved in third-party situations. In the absence of a marriage, which is likely to happen because your lover is already or still married to their legitimate spouse, here are several tell-tale signs if your lover really loved you enough and more, that they would trade their original family for you.
Remember, truth hurts. So, if you are still with me…read on.
1. The obvious sign is, Is your lover hiding you? Like, did they take you to a province or any place far from your family, home, and acquaintances?
2. Do they introduce you to their friends as their lover?
3. Do they want you to introduce them to your friends as your lover?
4. Are they willing to accompany you to your family reunions or on occasions where your family and relatives are present?
5. Are they willing to include you in their family reunions and gatherings?
6. Do they remit their monthly salary to you or at least share their financials with you?
7. Do they include you in their health plan?
8. Are you named as a beneficiary in their GSIS, SSS, or other insurances?
9. Do their boss know you as their lover?
10. What are the signs that he or she is into you and willing to spend their entire life with you? If you say they asked you to keep their jersey shirt, sports shoes, and some pictures, you better think again.
11. Is your name in their phone really your name or just an alias?
12. If your lover is male and you have children together, did he sign the child’s birth certificate to acknowledge paternity?
13. Are they willing to attend your child’s school activities, not just once or twice, but several times?
14. Are you mentioned in their last will and testament?
15. Is the house, or are the properties they bought without their spouse’s knowledge and claimed to be for you, under your name?
16. Do they come to you when you need them or only when they need you?
17. Do they meet you when you want, or more often when it’s only convenient for them?
18. Is there anyone else besides you, whom they have as a lover? Or do you suspect that there are other lovers in their life apart from you?
19. When there are company or corporate invitations or occasional invitations, is your name included on the invitation card?
20. When it comes to the end of your partner’s life, do you still have rightful claims to their body, and are you by their bedside and at his funeral?
If most of your answers to the questions are “NO,” you might already have a hint of what it means. Most importantly, you must know where you stand in the relationship. To put it bluntly, my brothers and sisters, the answer is, yes, your lover may have loved you, but not enough to prioritize you over or replace their original family.
Temptations are ever-present. The moment you succumb to temptation, it marks the beginning of troubles in your life. Do not allow poor choices to solidify into irreversible decisions that can affect generations to come.
If you are a God believer, pray when you need strength to avoid temptation. That is your greatest weapon not to fall from His graces. Pray unceasingly until the forces of temptation succumb and leave you alone.
Remember to love yourself in a way that you do not allow yourself to be in a situation, let alone, a relationship that is not yours. Love yourself but not in the way that you will become selfish and blind to the sufferings of others or cause them to lose their dignity.